Me - Trying to Reboot

 

December 8, 2023

Well, here we are.  I am starting a new phase again and hoping it will stick.  I found a functional medicine provider and did a ton of bloodwork and functional testing to hopefully solve some of the issues I am having as a post-menopausal, autoimmune sufferer.  My TSH was an 11.9  I have no eyebrows, I weigh probably 215 pounds and am just such a shallow version of myself.

Life in this household has no real joy.  Kaden has overshadowed our lives and I really have a deep resentment towards him frosted with a deep dislike for him as well.  Jamie is struggling also.  He went on Zoloft to try and help him balance out his feelings.  I am just ready for 18 and for Kaden to leave so I can have some semblance of peace.

I think my weight and flat mood are a byproduct of this.  So, let's see if we can fix it.  I had my initial consult and plan with Cheryl Mosley Mann of the Fork Functional Medicine last Thursday.  I haven't ordered any of my supplements - once again delving into the busyness of the day and pushing my needs to the background.  I am determined to complete things for ME today.  Goals:

1.  Order compounded hormones (estrogen, progesterone and testosterone)

2.  Order supplements from my plan.

3.  Pick up my Cytomel prescription (T3)

4.  Join FBC Family Life Center

5.  Look at My Peak Challenge current platform

6.  Take my weight and measurements

7.  Be kind to myself and be true to myself

Wish me luck and purpose.  I sure need it.

Musings of a 55 year old

 My goodness how times have changed.  I am much older now, married with two teenagers in the house.  My life is very different than it used to be.  I think I am in a midlife slump.  I don't really recognize myself these days and my family dynamic is a disappointment.

We went out to dinner last night at Texas Roadhouse to celebrate Jamie for Father's Day since he had to work.  I haven't been feeling well the last few days but tried to soldier on.

I really wanted to have a nice dinner, to finally think I could sit and talk with my children and interact.  I keep hoping maturity will hit after a long 8 years of working through their kid like shortcomings.  Holding out I told myself for the day when they would mature and we could really talk.  They snicker and take pot shots at me and Evan especially skirts on the edge or actually wades right into the middle of totally inappropriate comments.

I can hear my hair growing....

Work is so not challenging right now.  I can actually hear my hair growing and I can only "Google" so many things in a day to keep myself occupied.

Love,
Bored lady sitting at desk with cute shoes and blank expression.

Tug of War



It is such a long drive to and from work.  Not so much in the sense that I mind the distance, but moreover the amount of time it gives me to think about things.  I have 2 hours each day alone in the car and it seems that about 50 minutes are spent in each direction thinking about Tom.  My heart misses him and expresses it to my soul in a longing, memory-filled way, to which my head issues a strong retort and reminder that he left me after 5 months to return to his past.  I was not what made him truly happy, and it would never be the same even if he did return.  It's a hard tennis match of a dynamic to sit though two times a day, every day.

I try to focus on the negative things about him, which I will not go into in this medium, as a measuring stick of why we aren't good together.  I also tell myself that I want someone who is just emotionally in a good place, is a happy person, and who can be supportive of me and my dreams, not so much the other way around.

I hope eventually this process works for me and my head wins out in the end.  After all, there are a lot of commutes ahead of me and I would just like to have a little "radio silence" if you know what I mean.

xoxo,

LB

Isn't He....

The most precious human being on this planet......He makes my heart sing.  The love is impressive in its purity.

Not Like That OK?

I am happy we got a small "do over".  Sitting there next to you like a polite acquaintance was not the way I wanted to remember us, and I left with regret.  The day after was filled with many thoughts of you, us, me and the why's of so many things.  I kept swatting the memories away like flies, but they would return to buzz and circle around me.  It was annoying and difficult, and I was mentally kicking myself for thinking I was advanced enough in this process to see you in person.

I noticed that your hair seemed to have more grey in it and that you looked worn.  Your eyes were flat and you were quite removed from things.  I immediately noticed your ring and it stung.  I had never seen it or known that part of you.  I trivialized the design to make myself feel less intimidated by it's presence.

I abruptly stood and left you there.  We didn't really say goodbye or anything. I just walked away with a heart full of regret for having seen you that way.  It wasn't us.  We were always amazing and connected and bright.  We were always animated and engaging.  We were intimate in conversation and connection.  It was the thing I loved most about who we were.  That is why I had to stand and put distance between myself and you.  It was not the way I wanted to remember us.

Thank you for calling and saying you felt the same things when I left.  At least I know in some measure it is all still there - under the surface.

I love you......still.

M

Something is stirring

Evan and I had a wonderful day overall. I fell asleep with him for nap time and was sad for a few hours upon waking. I kept trying to shake it and finally succeeded after a trip to Liberty Park with Evan for an evening walk and a trip to feed the ducks and play on the playground.

I read back through my blog from May 2006 and loved the images my mind retrieved while my eyes were digesting words. It has been a beautiful life and I remain humble and thankful for my blessings.

Something is stirring inside of me again, I guess it took another round of disappointment to give me pause for thought, and the drive to walk forward again. I am hoping this move to Nashville will be the beginning of a great new chapter for me. I plan on staying very busy enjoying and exploring the city and working hard towards a better future.

Now I am going to look for a house....a place to land in Nashville!

A New Day

I woke up this morning with a peaceful heart and a sense of joy.

The last couple of days have been difficult.  No ability to concentrate on work; only reflections and analytics.   Licking wounds, reminding myself of worth and core and self.

My shoulders would begin to shake for no reason and tears would come.  I would go into the bathroom at work to compose myself, explaining to no one, certainly no one to reach out to as it would come as a great surprise to those  who know me that I had been in a relationship at all.

Evan caught me crying once.  I was ashamed for him to see me, but I explained that I lost a friend and I was sad.  He prayed for me.  My heart soared at the knowledge that my 3 1/2 year old understands prayer at such a young age.

I started writing again and praying in a more focused manner.  Guidance, faith, portion, understanding and peace are the themes of my devotions to God.  I am also being honest in my accountability for my part.  I believe if you are internally honest, then blame has no place to take root in your soul.

I only feel peace today.  I only wish my friend well.  I smile for his hope.  I long for his renewal.  I wish him joy - always!

Happy Saturday!

Bug

Let me adjust my halo

To some I am a saint, to some I am not.  Who knows what causes people to have the reactions they do to each other.

I had a email recently that was beautifully written and expressed sentiments from a person's heart that I know were sincere.  I read it twenty times if I read it once. 

One thing struck me and left a mark.  I am not special, I am not extraordinary.  I simply know how to love and I practice it as an action word each day.  Heaven does not hold a special place for me for doing what is expected of us in our humanity to each other.  I get no extra credit from God for living life as it was supposed to be.

The Bible says, "Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you."  I don't always succeed in my life in living the right way, but I do have a deep sense of doing what is right, even if what is right hurts me.  I end up hurt a great deal, and it would be easier at times to simply turn from my beliefs and live for myself and my needs.  There are days where I truly wish I could be different, but I simply can't.

I need to go adjust my halo now.  Someone placed one upon my head but it really doesn't belong there...

Bug

52 Cents

I wonder if you noticed it?  It was 52 cents returned.  I held onto it from the night it was left on my bedside table.  It meant something to me.  It was a memory; a cherished memento.

To some it might seem a silly thing to hold on to. You probably never even made the connection when it dropped from the bag of items I returned to you.  But I know it's not in the little dish on my table.  I miss it being there.  I hold small things in great regard.

I held us in great regard.  We were a litany of small, remarkable things.  The tangible items were returned, but the intangible will be held in my heart forever - and that was the greater part of the sum that made us.

I love you.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Sometimes I wonder how we get ourselves into the situations we do. What is the intangible really? What makes it almost polar in its gravitational pull?

We can rationalize it, debate it over and over in our heads, run from it, balk at it, shake our heads in the non-reality of it, yet still there it is. This beautiful, unexplainable, unshakable force that draws you in, thoughts body and soul.

I haven’t experienced this phenomenon in a long while, and most certainly not with someone who is not in a circumstance that is socially acceptable. Innocently enough, it is just two people who long to be near each other, who laugh easily in each other’s company and who look forward to daydreaming in the fertile soil of this garden of paradise.

I hate that I cannot realize this relationship or savor the sweet moments as they are supposed to be. Late night chats, secret phone calls and covert operations have taken their toll in body. Yet there he is, with me in spirit; a constant heart’s companion.

Tall and lean with curly hair that the years have tipped with slight grey. Intense eyes, dark to the core that somehow shine brightly in the darkness of the room. Gentle person with the need to be loved and anchored in a stormy sea. Romantic expressive.

I think about the generation gap that I only notice in small things like music or life experience. One is amusing, the other captivating and symphonic.

I don’t know about the grand scheme of life, or the intangible. What I do know is there is a man I am going to miss very much; until one day we cross paths again.

Gore's Are A Wonderful Thing.

I have this little favorite word from Evan. It is "gore". He is a boy and I am a gore. That is how he currently says girl, and it is the only word that isn't correct in his vocabulary....well, except for "choo choo frain" and "clayground."

He came home tonight and over supper announced that I am a girl, like squirrel and sounded it out proudly over and over and secretly I was really mad at his dad for correcting him because it is one more little piece of him that grew up.

I never realized the tug between loving what you see as your child grows, and absolutely trying to hold onto the smallness of them for infinity. I especially feel this way because I will never have another child and I know this was a blessing I never dreamed possible for myself.

So last night, I was mad at Greg for taking away a little piece of my baby....there are so few things left of that time now that he is 3. Besides, I really liked being a GORE!

Xoxo,
Bug

Just be yourself

I was thinking last night about how hard it can be at times to just be yourself, warts, un-popular opinions about trending subjects, personality, looks...the whole bag.

I can't say I like it one bit or the impact it can have on a life. When you're shaping your views and reactions and thoughts to better suit popular opinion, you're letting parts of yourself die out.

My new years resolution....and I only have one is the acronym DTAC. It's not going to be easy to be authentic in an adjustable world, but I am who I am.  I am determined to be just that.

I am 42 years old, and made just the way I was intended to....warts and all.

Happy Friday!

Bug

Music In the House....and other baby steps

When one realizes the deficits in life, steps are very necessary to adjust.

I have a new friend, her name is Sophia and she is much like me....I'm grateful to have her in my life to laugh with and to have hold up a mirror right in my face.

As we began to get to know each other she would ask questions that I would go back and think on and realize the answer was "no".  No, I don't listen to music in the house anymore. No, I don't take any trips away anymore. No, I don't have guests in my home anymore and my son doesn't see me interact socially...these things really bothered me upon reflection because when you stack up all the little things I had let go, they added up to a deficit filled life.

I am trying to make some changes in my life right now, to make things better where I am now. I light candles again and have fresh flowers in the house like I used to. I wrote a man to say goodbye and end his back and forth, I have been listening to music again, I took my son on a day trip, and I invited my friend over and made her dinner.

It's a small adjustment, but it has made me happier and more in touch with myself.

I think I'm going on a road trip to Atlanta this weekend....I miss home.

Xoxo,
Bug

When You Fake It

I have to admit I am guilty of faking it. Every day....for three years. It's a very difficult thing to be a parent, and harder still when the person you are parenting with is, well, different from you to say the least. So, for the most part, I fake it, I bite my tongue, I act interested in things they say in order to keep a peaceful balance. But, there is the way I really feel most days, and that is like Alice who awakes to find herself in a strange land with some funky animals who grin too much and have ulterior motives and hidden agendas.

People tell me quite often that they would ever do what I have done, no matter how much they love their child. I wonder though, don't we all fake parts of our lives each and every day? Some fake love, others fake success and intellect, some fake happiness in their work, and there is another breed altogether who fake an identity to fool the masses.

I guess my question to you all is...."do you fake a portion of yourself or your life?" tell me yes, that in some fashion you do....or else I'll have to come to terms with being on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride all by myself!

Xoxo,

Bug

Mic Check

Tap, tap, tap....

Just wondering if anyone can hear me....it has been a very long time since I practiced my writing. Just another little part of myself that I willingly let go under the auspices of blame to another.

So, let's catch up, it's been a while since you've seen me... I am a bit older and I don't like my hair so much right now because it is mom hair and I knew better. I am a little too rounded in the middle from too much junk food, Evan food, and laziness and I analyze if I have depression each day as a bottle of Zoloft sits in the cabinet awaiting my decision....so let's start there...

I don't think I'm depressed in the traditional sense of the word and I really am thinking a lot about serotonin and the pill that just might fix everything, except we all know that I would take that little pill and still be stuck here in Siberia....so I reckon that is like scooping out a ship full of water with a Dixie cup....hence the Zoloft will sit on the shelf for now.

Men...oh where to begin there. Men are useless creatures unless family or old friends. My run in that department reveals great inadequacy, so they sit on a shelf just like the Zoloft and I am pondering their usefulness as well. I haven't had a real date in over a year and it's beginning to suit me just fine.

I'm not sure where these forks in the road may lead at this time in my life, but I am determined to find out and keep myself afloat in the process...you're welcome to come along with me on the journey as I find out.

Better posts soon...I promise...this is just a jumping off spot for the big dot-to-dot to follow.

Happy New Year!

Xoxo,

Bug

Tell It Like It Is....?

I am in the middle of a real struggle, maybe it's age or some metaphysical turning point of a 42 year old woman (that sounded really weird).

I just feel the need to say it like it is.  No sugar coating, no whiteness to soften the statement, no silence about something on the outside and mentally screaming it on the inside...you get me.

The funny thing is, I am not mad at anyone or in the midst of a personal crises or have any drama in my life, but I just am back to this whole "here it is" kind of deal.  Maybe this is back around because I watched Bethenny Getting Married on Bravo and we all know she's a total straight shooter and never shrinks from just putting in out there for you to digest.

I feel the need to open my mouth and say whatever it is that I really feel about a situation.  REFRESHING RIGHT!!??

So here we are, launch time.  Tired of a lifetime of never really saying in the moment, or closely thereafter that I am bugged or over something.  I just don't say anything.....but that is all that is about to change.

Heaven help us all.

xoxo,
Bug

You Talk, I'll Listen!!

I recently had a "conversation" with a person who I could tell was frenetic in nature but generally a nice person.  We were having a "conversation", but I noticed, quite quickly that whenever she paused at the end of a sentence and I attempted a response she would launch back into a train of thought about herself, not even realizing that she had cut me off mid-sentence.  After a couple of attempts at answering her, I just decided to stop trying and let her go on.  She never noticed that I stopped.  It was kind of amusing in a way and I made a mental note that I will work on that myself, just in case I do that. 

Sometimes when you are in the middle of a situation, it can serve as a good reminder of a way NOT to be in life.  Maybe that's why God puts these things in our path.  Maybe it is to help us be a better person.  So - at the end of the conversation, I didn't walk away irritated or insulted.  I walked away with a better sense of making sure I give others my attention and that I listen instead of doing all the talking.

Jury Duty

It has been a very long 10 weeks as a Juror.  Every time I sit down in the courthouse my chest starts to flutter and I want to run.  The people at the Defendants table look scary, menacing and rather guilty....yes, I did just say that. 

Yesterday I was chosen, again.  Aggravated Robbery, we found him guilty and did so with a very heavy heart.  It was heavy because this was once a boy with promise and this is a boy who's mother loves him and this is now a man who will be sentenced to prison in 4 weeks.  What was not difficult was to impose a $25,000 fine upon him.  That was restitution to the victim who had two revolvers shoved in her face (we watched the video surveillance) and who will be different for the rest of her life because of what happened to her.  Nobody got out unscathed.

I know that it is our duty to serve and I don't shrink from my responsibility, but I wish people would just behave themselves.....all this for $148 and a Blackberry.  Sad.

xoxo,

Bug

 

Uh - Huh - Sure...

Some things in life just kind of amaze me.  First of all, I don't fall for that whole "Whoa is me, I need to talk about my marriage" line.    Let me go back a little by saying that I have a co-worker that wants to talk about his marriage issues at work (with me) and I just don't agree with it.

I wonder sometimes if men thing women are really that stupid, and I wonder sometimes if a lot of women are that stupid (yes, I know - I am rolling my eyes too...) to sit and become a web for someone who has woven areas of simple truths into a lot of no so simple feelings that they are looking to "cast" about somewhere.

Here is the advice that got slung yesterday - as  am tired of being approached about this topic.  Mind you my stance is number 1 - I am not a therapist or expert in marriage, 2.  I am not stupid and I am truly not interested in hearing your lament.  3.  I have a job to do and since you make like four times what I do, I suggest you go see a therapist!!  Now the advice....if you can call it that.

Man - "I need to talk about my wife...."
Me - "Well then go talk to her - about her and you and get it all out on the table and be honest and tell her what's going on with you and show her who you really are.  Oh, and by the way, don't be surprised if eventually SHE is the one who hits you with the bombshell that she has found another man and is leaving you.  You might think you are the one holding the mid-life crises reigns here and withholding intimacy from your wife - but I am here to tell you pal, that even nice girls have affairs if they are getting no love and attention from home.  The first man who comes along and will give her that will be the one who takes your prize.  Think of it that way instead of your way...now I suggest if you want to know about your wife or talk about  your wife, you leave the kids at grandmas house, go get a bottle of wine and get your wife and start talking....I'm not a therapist nor am I a fly....."

He abruptly turned and left my office.  Maybe I should become a therapist and start a tough love boot camp for stupid men...and women.  I'd be my first client ;-)

Have a great day everyone.  It's off to Jury Duty for me!

Bug

A Circle Complete

Exactly three years ago yesterday I wrote a cryptic post to you all titled "Today".  I was just now going through the blog catching up on where I have been when I realized that I had written that May 31, 2007.  The post was short and simple.  It read:  "Today is the most significant day of my life.  I am alone."  I was alone at that time and place.  I had just found out that I was expecting Evan and I was awash in  fear and confusion.

What is amazing is that here we are, three years to the date later and my post couldn't be any different.  I think the words today would read:  "Today is a significant day.  It is the anniversary of the day that have made all the days since worthwhile."

I love having the blog to look back on as a measuring stick of my growth as a person.  I think it's important to have that in life.  I am no longer the Mellissa that you all got to know back in 2005.  I am a calm, grounded and totally anchored woman who just loves this simple life.  I never feel lonely or at loose ends, I rarely have a moment of doubt or hesitation and I am grateful beyond expression for my life.

Last night as I was lying in bed, I thanked God for the absolute blessing he gave me in Evan.  I could not have imagined back then, in the uncertain days, how he was shaping me and girding me to become the anchor to this little boy - and he in turn to me.  It is amazing the love you carry  inside just waiting to be unlocked.

Have a wonderful day everyone.  I hope it's a blessed one!

xoxox,

Ladybug 2.0

Well um, k....

Last night after work I came home to hang with Cooper and straighten up the house from the last two days with Evan. There is always lots to catch up on. The fact that it was foggy and rainy made me just want to crawl up into bed with the remote and stay there, but, well, um, k I had agreed to a date with Bachelor #2, Sam. 

So, I talked to Mitzi for a few, downed some Goldfish crackers as an appetizer, followed with a milk-swig chaser and then off I went to get ready. I was not really looking forward to it, but I am moving on with life, and life does not move on from the confines of your cozy room...well, it does, but it does so without you. 

I dressed, I drove, I met, Camel hair jacket, nice wavy hair, tall and muscular, soccer player, and then huh...what is with all the hand gesturing and jacket adjustment? "Are you comfortable?" I asked, he said he was and then he proceeded with some conversation about heading to Montana to work in resorts (raft guiding) and how he was so sick of his job and Memphis and how he is thinking about Idaho or Montana. 

I sat there being nice, conversant, pleasant, thinking "nice hair" but the rest of the package was just about to expire, I could tell the milk was just on the verge of sour...and so I checked the time on my phone to indicate to him that I was ready to end things.

I headed out the door into the rain, jumped in the car and aimed for home. 8:33 PM, still time to watch TV in bed with our puppy Cooper....he has good hair too, and a very positive outlook on life. xoxo, LB

MARGARET MITCHELL "MAGGIE" 2003-2008

One year ago today I said goodbye to Maggie. She was the greatest companion and I miss her terribly still. Maggie came to me the month I got divorced, and she walked with me in life until two weeks after my son was born. I know this sounds weird, but I had a sense that I was going to lose her in January.  It was just a feeling that had no merit, but one night I was sitting in my office and Maggie was under my feet asleep. I started to cry and I reached under the desk and said "Don't leave me Maggie, please don't leave me." That was one month to the day of her passing.

Maggie loved everything that I brought into the house for Evan while I was pregnant. I would have a bag of maternity clothes, and a bag of things for Evan, and she would always go to his stuff and "shop". There was one item in particular that she wanted above all others. It was a tiny, white stuffed lamb and I would never let her get to it. She would sit on the floor in Evan's nursery and stare up at it on the shelf and whine. I held firm and never gave in on that thing. When I got the call from Georgia Veterinary Specialists to come, that nothing they could do would save her, I ran upstairs and I grabbed that little lamb, left Evan in the care of my mother and drove to be with my girl one last time. I held her and we walked outside on the nature path and went to the creek - just like we did on our daily walks at Chastain park and she had that little lamb in her mouth. So excited and happy to have her "baby" after months of wanting it.

I said my goodbye to her and I waited for the vet to return to me with the news that Maggie was gone. I asked them if I could see her, because in my mind, I would never reconcile that she didn't just walk through the other side of that door and was fine. So they brought her to me, all snuggled up in a blanket - like she used to sleep. She was at peace, and tucked right there beside her was her lamb...and my heart.

I miss you Maggie, thank you for the wonderful years of friendship and thank you for the love you filled me with.

Above: Eight weeks old - nappin' under the sofa
Below: Birthday morning - your usual perch while I write.

Facing the Past

I lived with the knowledge of it for almost a year. I was still in the throes of a memory and not something that actually affects me today or the person I have come back to being secure in.

Two years ago, I would never have been intimidated by anyone. That was always a good thing about me, I was a confident and secure person, a person who knew her worth. It was a value set into me by my parents, and it made my foundation strong in life. I guess you could say I was a tree with deep roots.

Then came an unexpected pregnancy, an unexpected abandonment and after a difficult birth an unexpected revelation that there had been someone else. A secret. Ironically, the secret was really only from me. Others knew about it, his family, some of his friends, and the man I was having a child with. I was the one in the dark, the one who was blindsided. While I knew we weren't a couple during my pregnancy, words were spoken that were manipulative, words such as "I don't know the future holds," or "I haven't given up on us" or "I'm afraid that I will realize that I am in love with you and then it will be too late." All just acts and words to hide actions.

After giving birth, a woman is vulnerable - she is not herself and no woman should have had to endure the trials that I did, the pain that I was put through. The lies. The disrespect. The emotional play.

So Saturday I completed one of the last tasks in my cycle of healing. I took back the last key to allowing someone to play me or hurt me. I stood before the woman who was part of the secret. I stood with my son and I stood proud before her. I was not intimidated, I did not feel like the ugly duckling and I was no longer the woman who was fragile and unsure because of birth. I shook her hand and she said, "Hi, I'm Margaret, nice to meet you.", I just looked her firmly in the eye and said "Mellissa", not adding any sort of lie to the introduction.

I felt such a release at that moment for me and my future. As she clapped her hands and spoke to my son, seeming a little nervous and out of her element with wet hair and no socks outside in the windy, cool day, I stood complete and beautiful as a woman, as Evan's mother and as a person who has made miraculous strides in less than a year.  I held a diamond in my arms and she was just a girl who won a broken man.

As I drove away with my son to meet friends for lunch, I smiled a little to myself about the leftovers standing in the driveway.

xoxo,
Bug

Randomness

I woke up a little off kilter this morning. I can't put my finger on exactly why but will suffice to say that I think I might be a turtle who popped it's head out of the shell, liked the view and then got scared. I have pulled my head back into my protective shell and think I might hang in here for a little while.

I also want to address something to a reader. I read your entire email and I am sorry for what you are experiencing in your life and I wish you much success in your recovery. I don't interact with my readers anymore unless they are old friends from the Blogging world. I did that once and my heart was broken. Many of you remember Terri from Texas who was murdered two years ago. The impact of that loss still resonates with me. I do understand why God put her in my life and it gives me a sense of peace that she gave her heart to God through our relationship (mind you I was just the vehicle and take no credit) and I feel honored that God used me in that way, but the scars remain and will so forever. There is no need for you to feel exposed by my post as no one knows who you were, and I thought you were someone from my past who has been excessive in areas and hypocritical about boundaries. It was not about you, just know that.

I am a little surprised at myself today and I am nervous that I might keep my head in this shell and not venture across the road to the other side. I might not be fast enough to make it without getting hurt and my issues around trust are bigger than I thought. I can sense in myself that I doubt something already and think that it will go away or that it was just a flight of fancy; of my imagination that it might not be special and that I might have just ruined it all....

I think I will get dressed and go see Evan. He is the one thing in life I am completely SURE about.

xoxo,
Bug

The True Meaning

It is a peaceful morning here at home. It started off with a quick prayer before my feet hit the floor at 5:30 to give Evan a bottle and let him settle back in for another hour of sleep.

I have been battling illness for over a month now - and more so since Evan started daycare back in August. My body took a ton of hits with colds and being constantly run-down from the rigors of life. It all culminated with a diagnosis of pneumonia right before Christmas and it scared me to death. I never expected to have pneumonia followed in short order by the stomach flu. I tell you, when it rains, it pours!

I am beginning a study on Proverbs called "A Woman of Value". It is a way to feed my soul as it has been impossible for me to make it to church this month - it seems that I have had Evan most weekends this month, or have been sick in between. I miss having a church family since I moved to Jackson from Atlanta. I miss being involved and connected, but this Sunday I am going to attend a non-denominational church here called Fellowship Church. I am looking forward to that - to see if it fits me.

I have also decided to plan two trips. One back to Atlanta for a weekend to connect to old friends and to visit my city, a place that I miss dearly. Atlanta fit me so well. I think I miss the trees and beautiful parks the most. I also miss the opportunities there and the tall buildings - so much interest for the eye, and you know me - I am a very esoteric, tactile person so that is important to me in many respects. I also am going to head to Stuart to bring Evan to see my brother and his family. I miss them and I want to go home to relax a little, sit by the pool and integrate with my people - the ones I love, but don't get to express it to nearly enough. I hate it that weeks and months slip by me so quickly and the gap between me and them grows larger. It is not that way in my heart, but distance is rough - I hate it.

In so many respects, I am looking forward to the coming year, to the newness of it all. I am ready to embrace things ahead of me, finally; finally. I have been given the gift of a peaceful heart and it is the greatest feeling in the world to have come into that area. I yearned for peace for almost 2 years and I crested the mountain peak this month. I was rewarded for my patience and my willingness to work through things and it feels so amazing to wake up and to go to bed with that feeling. It is certainly womb-like to my soul.

I hope that each of you that stops by had a very Merry Christmas and that you are well and happy!

xoxo,
Bug

Stretching

Sometimes life is a big ol' stretch. I keep reminding myself that a good stretch from time to time is worth it, albeit hard on the muscles if you stretch too far too fast.

We are ramping up for Evan's first Christmas and he is beginning to take his first steps. He makes the cutest little face when he does it, very determined and focused and then he will just stop and clap his hands at himself in a sort of "well-done" kind of way.

Greg, as usual is pushing the limits of timing with me, but I am learning even in that scenario to let go. He is flying out again this weekend to Texas and now to Colorado the weekend after Christmas for 4 days. I have no one in West Tennessee to help me with Evan, and Daycare is closed from December 24-January 2nd, so his being out of town was a stretch, and my muscles hurt a little from how far I have to stretch to cover the gap of his absence. I wish he would just date locally for crying out loud.

I miss my friend Terri. I don't talk to her often, hardly ever actually, but I think about her each day with a lot of love. I don't know why the hours go by and I can't get to that phone! I think maybe I'll stop writing and go pick up the phone...

xoxo,
Bug

There is a Love

I am sitting at my desk this morning before heading off to work. Jim Brickman is playing on the stereo and the melodies have stirred a set of heart feelings that are so deep inside of me.

There is a love, like no other on earth that has entered my life. It seems that all my thoughts and the direction of my heart and my life are for Evan Samuel. When he is away from me, my heart aches and the hours inch by until I can hold him again, until I can see that smile and those beautiful cornflower blue eyes.

This time last year I was carrying him inside of me, so safe and cozy. I was voluptuous and round, he gave me a sense of womanhood and the bond was already there between he and I. I knew him before I knew his face. It reminds me so much of the love that God has for me and how he truly must want my happiness and peace. The love he has for me was manifested in the greatest way through the gift of my son.

When people ask me what I want for Christmas, I simply tell them the truth - that I long for nothing; I need nothing. I have been given the greatest treasure of unmeasurable worth. My gift is renewable with each day, my gift has value far above material things. He is a true light and a precious miracle. He is truly the absolute love of my life.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Evan through the confirmation of a blood test. I pulled over on the side of the road and I prayed. I made a promise to God to care for this child, to keep him safe, to make sure he knew about God's love and grace and that I would be there for him each day of his life. I did not know the challenges that were awaiting me, I did not know the depths of the testing that God would put me through in receiving this miracle.

What I can say on this day is that I am a work in progress, that I have a deep sense of what is right, that I have a value system that compels me to put my son ahead of myself, even when the going gets tough and the days are lonely. So each night, as I lay my head down, my prayer is for my son. I pray for his health and safety, for his wellbeing and happiness and for the hours to pass quickly until I hold him again and see that beautiful smile.

So now I am off to work, and 8 hours until my miracle and the love of my life is scooped up in Mommy's arms and showered with kisses and hugs. Thank you God - for loving and trusting me with Evan Samuel. I hope I make you proud.

Is that OK?

I woke up this morning thinking about how my life used to be. Not in a way that is unappreciative of the blessing of my son and the presence of him in my life, but of how I miss the markers and identifiers of the woman who is me.

Is it OK to miss what was, to miss the parts of a life that you created that fulfilled you? Does it make you selfish to look in the rearview mirror and miss what you see there?

When my eyes opened this morning I was thinking about the South of France, specifically the wedding of Frederique and Oliver. The memory was so vivid for me that it was like watching a movie of it. I miss that life sometimes, I miss that girl, I miss going to Saks and buying a beautiful dress and Stuart Weitzman shoes that make me feel like Marilyn Monroe (only the shoe part!) I miss sipping champagne at a table of international thinkers, or laughter with those who are like me. I miss meeting new people, seeing new sights, dreaming of adventures and feeling in touch with myself.

In conversation with a co-worker yesterday she said out of the blue "You must miss your old life so much." and I guess I had never really allowed myself that feeling until she said it out loud and gave me pause for thought. Yes, I do miss it. I miss my home in Atlanta, that is my town. I miss being financially secure and I don't like earning 1/4 of what I used to earn. I miss girlfriends, and boyfriends, and I miss Maggie. I miss beautiful clothes and shoes, I miss my 401K, I miss dancing and I miss the airport. I miss conversation about world politics and art. Here in TN they seem to talk too much about football - so not my thing.

I don't mean at all to sound pretentious - because that is not the tone I am writing this in. It is not the vein that courses. I simply am different than this place. I simply am treading water and keeping up with the small waves on this tiny lake. I just wonder how will it all be for me in the future. Will I always long for the girl I once was. I really liked her and the adventures that she had.

However, I made a choice to give up a lot for my son and for his father. They are happy together and they love each other and my son is better for it. I just wonder though, what about me? What about Nashville - would that fit a bit better? Does Tim McGraw need a private secretary that knows about planes and runways and wine and dinner parties and stock trades and how to prepare the household staff for a big party? Maybe so - and after all, it IS only 2 hours away....

xoxo,
Bug

Looking For Grub

Evan and I have had the crud. Well, actually Evan got it from Pierce and then Evan gave it to Mommy as a present!! We have both been to see the Dr. twice since Friday - UGH!

Last night, after round three of trying to get sleepy Evan down for the night, we decided to just go in the kitchen and play in the fridge - I don't know why he loves to shop in there, but it is a favorite pastime. I buy him toys and doodads and things that play music and light up and talk, but what does Evan really want to entertain himself? The potato in the bottom drawer of my fridge!

LOVE HIM!

Sunday Morning Style

It all started out so busily at 6AM. Evan and Cooper were Paper towel bandits and I was just longing to ingest a cup of coffee and get a shower! The boys won out so on the floor we were, having a mini party in the kitchen.

The house is quiet now, there is plenty of time to shower and drink some coffee and read and write and think about painting my toenails. Evan has gone to his dad's house for the day and Mommy is all of a sudden at loose ends. It is odd how the house goes from mayhem and cozy to calm and cavernous. I miss him the moment he goes away and the hours seem to slow to a creep around the dial of my watch.

I think with that said, I will skip that shower and head out to the garage to organize some things that are still sitting around since my move two months ago today. Maybe then time will pass more quickly until the evening when I head over to Greg's for supper and hugs from the with Evan.

xoxo,
Bug

Skirt Setter

I am really excited to tell you all that I have been asked to be a National Blogger for Skirt Magazine. So, with no further ado - I have to head on "over" and start my first blog for them.

;-)

xoxo,
Bug

OK, Wait a Minute (sound of brakes)

Something amazing and interesting has happened over the last few days, something triggered it, but I am not sure why or how. Perhaps this change is as inherent and miraculous as the onset of a season, the way the trees know it is time remove the layers of old in preparation for new. It happened to me just the same.

I went back and re-read Baby Steps and it simply did not apply as I thought it did. Evan and I are not the same in all regards of this time in our life. You see, I had forgotten for just a moment that I, unlike him already know how to walk, I have walked, run and danced inside a beautiful life. I have experience, this is not a new sensation and I really don't have as much fear as I thought.

Perhaps I just needed to let go fully to realize that not only can I walk, I love it and the feeling of freedom it provides. So I must change my words and say that I am poised to take long, easy strides into my future, that I am excited by the renewed sensation of freedom, that I have a smile of accomplishment on my face and I am about to take of running, full-steam ahead.

To that end, I have decided to get a puppy, to bring another project of love into my home - to bring that joy back because I have missed Maggie so much since she passed away. I have also decided to give Pete a chance to get to know me, he is worth a chance so last night I agreed to lunch on Friday.

I looked back one more time you see, and with that last parting glance I realized that I never really liked the view and was happy to walk forward and towards a better vista with my little Tigger in tow.

xoxo,
Bug

Baby Steps

In some ways, I watch my life mirror that of my son. The irony of the timing of certain events in his life and mine give me pause for thought.

Evan is beginning to explore walking now that he has mastered crawling and can move about the house with ease. Walking forward is both exciting and frightening to him. He pulls up and looks around, he moves around objects he knows well with confidence, daring not to let go lest he fall. Even though he won't fall far, the fear of the unknown is too great for him to chance, so with focus and white fingers he holds tight to what he knows - his comfort zone. At times, he will stand alone for a moment until he realizes that nothing surrounds him and a slight look of panic crosses his face. His arms reach out for me, for security, for what he knows is safety and a secure place.

I am Evan in so many regards. I have been holding on to what I know for too long, so afraid to let go, so afraid to walk forward on my own. Yet when I look around, I realize that what I have been holding onto for comfort and security is not mine to hold - it never was. The thought of letting go and trusting my steps and my own power to move forward with my life brings me great fear and worry. But, I know the time is here, I must turn loose and trust that even when I fall, the ground is not too far beneath me, and the love that surrounds me in other areas is enough to cushion me.

So, along with my son, I inch towards my independence, I face my fear of letting go and I prepare to take baby steps into my future. Crawling just isn't enough anymore. How my heart aches in a way of watching him grow, how my heart aches in a way of watching myself do the same.

I loved, I lost, I grieved, I stood true, I was honorable, I gave life, I love again, that love is returned. That love is enough to walk towards. That love is my son.

xoox,
Bug

Family Values?

I went to see Evan early this morning to spend time with him and take him to school. I love watching him move his fingers and dance around and wiggle. He is so beautiful, so worthy of our very best. Look at the photograph of him - he is such a light and joy. He is worth more than he is getting.

I look at my situation and I wonder sometimes about what he will know of security, of family values, of sacrifice for the greater good, of putting your selfish needs last to ensure the well-being of another.

I wonder if he will praise me for bridging the gap as I have, or if he will see me as a weak person who compromised her value structure. I wonder if he will look at his father as a man who did not chose to shelter and legitimize his mother, choosing instead an out of town option for fulfillment.

It bothers me quite often and I feel that we do not have the proper family values, that he will feel that he was not enough to run the gamut for. I just don't ever want him to hurt because the two people he loves the most are apart and he must split his life with each of us in half. It is an unfair price for a child to have to pay, but the power was not mine to change it.

Mellissa

A Day For The Book

Well, it is official. My little Evan's first tooth has made its appearance! It cut through the gum sometime yesterday during the day. I was at Greg's house last evening working away and feeding Evan when he pulled his famous Bitter Beer (thanks Julie!) grin on me and lo and behold - a little white line was there.

I teared up a little and hugged him and we had a little party in the kitchen with Daddy. It is a big deal and a weird feeling when you cross a milestone with your child. 

So - bring on the Cheerio's - we have teeth!

xoxo,
Mellissa

Thank You

I laugh at myself a little more often these days. I recognize that girl in the mirror a little more every day and I find that I still like myself and feel good about the future - a testament to the spirit God kept alive inside of me all these months. 

I have some regrets that I wasted time and energy on emotions other than for Evan this year. I guess I was just coping the best way I knew how. I turned myself inside out and I searched for answers that were never to be discovered - and you know what, I have to let myself off the hook for that a little. I can truly say I did the best I could do in the situation and that time heals things that we never knew could be whole again. Don't get me wrong, I still am tender and there is a bit of scar tissue on my heart, but if I am asked about my life, I can truly and honestly say that I am happy - and I am at peace.

I have waited so long to say it and have truth behind it instead of merely saying it like a mantra to see myself through and fool others. I miss my family though. I don't have much time to talk anymore and being in the Central time zone when my family is in Eastern makes it even more difficult. I hope they don't think that I don't love them and think of them each and every day with a longing to be near to them because I do. I miss my family....so much!!

I have to peel myself away now to head to bed. I have enjoyed having this half hour to unwind and get ready for another week. I can't wait to greet Evan in the morning and feel his little hands grab ahold of my neck. The joy and mystery of life is in the little things - and the little hearts we protect. I am proud to say that I am good mother. It is the greatest accomplishment of my life, it is the thing of which I am the proudest. 

xoxo, Bug

Hello Again?

Today is the first Saturday in 8 months that I slept in. I actually was in bed until 8AM and I think I fell asleep last night the moment my head touched the pillow. 

I think about writing again, quite often.   I think about my blog like an old friend with whom I have parted ways but miss. I wonder about her and if she wants me back around or if too much has changed and we will be incompatible. 

So - I dance around writing, I wonder if I have anything of interest to say, I measure my life now against the life I had, and find that although different it is just as rewarding.  I have a new job, a new house, a new SUV and a new son. If you had told me this would be me now I would have laughed at you while ruffling through my papers to find my passport, but it is so ME now and I love where life has placed me because I get to love someone, really love someone - and that little someone loves me just as much. 

Old blog friend, do you think we are too different to connect again or do you think our story still goes on? I sure have missed you. 

xoxo, Bug

Little Star

Dear Evan,

You are such a bright spot in my life. I cannot believe the joy and love you have brought into my life.

You are now almost 7 months old, it is hard to believe how quickly time has passed since I welcomed you into my life.

You are in daycare now, and my heart aches that another cares for you during the day...I wonder often, do they really "care" for you and I pray about it all the time. I want you to have love surrounding you, and songs sung and ABC's and reading books, even though you only like to eat the pages...

I love the fact that you blow bubbles and that you pump your arms up and down when you get excited and that you do this little tongue thing when your are happy - we have started calling you Gene Simmons! I love that you have a little curl on the top of your head, and that you light up when we sing "You are my sunshine" to you. I love that you get mad when you don't get the sweet peas fed to you quick enough and that you smile and interact with everyone. You bring smiles wherever you go and you are my sole source of happiness.

I thank God for you each and every day - no matter what happens in my day or in my life, I just look at you, and smile and whisk you off to your bath to end our day. You grab at your toys and suck on your washcloth and smack the water with your hands - and we laugh together at the magic.

I love you Viking.

Today I

Today my little son is happy and watching Disney characters on TV; mesmerized by the movement, colors and shapes. Sunday Evan rolled over for the first time. Greg called me in from the kitchen to witness the event. Our son is growing up so fast. Our son is beautiful and sweet. Our son is the miracle of our lives.

I now live in Tennessee and will begin the new chapter of my life here. I will do this for my son and I am finally at peace with the decision. I am going to place him in mother's day out two days a week and I am going to begin to work on myself and on the business plan that I hope will allow us a good life here.

I have to run now - Evan has rolled over again and is frustrated because he can't crawl over here. He might look just like his Dad right now, but he acts a lot like me ;-)

xoxo,
Bug

No Words

Dear Evan,

There are no words to describe what is happening in life right now. You are laying in your crib, sleeping sideways; arms thrown above your sweet little head, slumber - peace and security are all yours tonight.

Your Nanny Rose prayed over you tonight and it brought tears to each eye in the room. She prayed for your future, for your life, for your health and your body to be sound. She prayed for your father and for me and the challenges we will face in our future because of our unusual circumstance. It was a precious moment that brought us all together in a moment that will span the rest of our lives. She laid her hands on you while you slept. I felt that it would perhaps be the last time she touched your sweet body.

There is so much more I want to share with you, so many things I want to tell you about this time, but I will write them to you privately and place them in the chest that is being made for you. I love you sweet son, Daddy loves you too.

Sweet dreams, and see you in the morning.

Love,
Mommy

Maybe One Day

Each morning I wake up and smile at Evan. He smiles back this cute wide grin; no teeth, all gum - just like a little old man. That makes me smile back at him even bigger and away we go -  with me sticking out my tongue at him and he sticking his tongue out back and on and on. It is a wonderful game.

I am off to shower and get suited up to interview.

Happy Monday all,

Mellissa

Home Again

I am home in Atlanta again. It feels good to be among my things; three levels of memories and familiar textures. The photographs are of those who love me and have a history with me. 

Evan is fast asleep on my bed under the quilt my mom made for him. I love him more than I knew possible in this world. He is my family. I have an opportunity for work so I have returned home to interview on Monday and Nana is coming tomorrow to see her little one. I know she has been so sad to be away from us both although she would never admit it to me, lest it somehow make things harder when I make decisions about my life. She is amazing in that way. I am interviewing for practice and in hope that I will be able to work again, to rebuild my life and to help myself now that I am able. I would not turn down the opportunity, because I feel that doing so would be a slap to all those who have so generously supported me financially during my pregnancy and for these months after Evan's birth. 

I am so truly grateful to have had those people in my life, to have survived and paid my bills each month, to buy beautiful things for Evan, to make a home for him, to buy his food and supplies. It is time to step off the edge now with confidence and hope, to know that God has a plan and that he will open the doors that are meant for me to pass through. I have given it over to him, I asked him to take the wheel and to lead me in the areas that will provide the best I can for Evan and for myself. I want to be happy and fulfilled so I can be a great mother, I want to support myself and Evan; to know that he is secure with me to provide for his needs. I don't want to be down to my last dollar soon and be only focused on that and the pressures of life without a job to provide for us - so I have returned to Atlanta to see if my life is supposed to continue here, or if my life is to be lived elsewhere. 

I just have to trust and to bone up now. It is time to stand on my own two feet and see where life takes me. Wish me luck and if you are inclined to pray, I wouldn't mind you adding me in there somewhere ;-) I need all the help I can get!

xoxo, Bug

What Next

I must admit that I am afraid of what comes next. It is like standing on the edge of the high-dive platform, knowing that you cannot return to the ladder that will take you back to the level ground you once relied on. The next phase requires you to ease your foot towards the unsteady end of the long traverse, to bend your body towards the depths below and to lean forward into your free-fall. It takes courage and courage is something I am lacking right now.

For me, the next phase of my life is returning to work, to re-building my life and to balance my son's wellbeing in the process.

I looked into schools for Evan in Atlanta. Nursery's that take infants starting at 6 weeks. 4 children per caregiver, days spent away from Mommy, moments missed that cannot be recaptured. Caregivers witnessing the changes daily and giving reports to parents on the milestones achieved. It breaks my heart to think this is waiting on that edge, and that I must inch towards it. I hate the feeling, but I have no choice.

I don't want to live alone in Atlanta, I don't want to be an island for the sake of a living but I am not sure how to do that anywhere but Atlanta based on the type of work I do. I have looked at the classified ads for other locations, but nothing there fits me - there is very little to go on. I am used to a certain standard of living and I am trying to adjust my thinking to other ways of making it; of thriving.

Greg and I are on very different terms now. I still look at him as a partner, but I quickly correct my thinking back to midline. We are parents, we have a common bond in Evan, but not as a couple. I miss him in that way. I miss him wanting me - but I would never tell him that. Sometimes at night when we are lying side by side our feet touch for a moment and I awaken and remember when we would lie close together; he had to touch my hip, my arm - we connected that way. Now we connect through respect and a careful distance. He sees me only as Evan's mother. I miss being desired as more than just that symbol. I hate to watch my emotion fading out of necessity. I still love him. He is the father of my son and the man I dreamed of having a life with. I will know him for the rest of my life so I keep silent, I say nothing, I just show him the love I have for him in other ways. We are so different, yet in many ways alike.

So as I sit here in his home this morning, waiting on Evan to stir from his morning nap, I am thinking "What Next" and the only conclusion I come to is to embrace the next moment, the one where Evan awakes and yawns - and smiles at the sight of his Mommy at his crib - arms outstretched to gather him up, to feel his body curl into mine and to watch his blue eyes twinkle. In that moment all other thoughts fade away into the back of my mind to be processed later and I move my mind back away from the edge for another day.

The Ties that Bind

No matter what happens in life between to people, when they share a child there is an enduring tie that binds. You may not agree in principle with them or see life though the same eyes, but you decide to bridge the divide and in doing so you give peace to the one created together; you love more than each other and more than yourself.

I am writing today from Jackson. Evan is sleeping soundly and lunch is ready for his Daddy. Laundry is going and bottles are freshly filled. There is a man here in a great deal of pain - a man I love as my own family - a man who I made a family with.

Although we are moving forward simply as friends, I cherish this relationship and I will nurture it as I do all those who matter to me. Greg's mothers cancer has returned and we do not know the amount of time she has left. Evan's Nanny has fought breast cancer into remission last July, only to have it return to her now. I ask for your prayers for the family, and for Rose G. she is the kindest person with a heart of gold and humility like you have never known. She is the center of Greg's family, as a mother should be, and she is my sweet Evan's paternal Grandmother. I want her to spend as much time with him as she has left and I want to bring some measure of comfort to Greg during this time in whatever way I can.

It has been a long year for us - both of us. We wondered why our son came to us. Why now? Was that the sole reason for our meeting? I can tell you now that I believe that Evan was sent as a healing balm and a source of abiding love for Greg and the timing of his birth and Greg's love for him is a testament to the ties we share - and they are the ties that bind and will help see us through the next chapter.

Love,
Ladybug

Life 101

I have a new direction and it is both scary and exciting.  I have a job interview on Friday with a great company which will pay me in my range and allow me to secure a good future for Evan and myself. I found a slot for him at a great school here and although I am not ready to leave him, I must. It is time to stand and do it, time to forge ahead and make life the best I can.

I looked in the mirror yesterday and actually recognized myself. I was able to put on a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans and move the maternity clothes out.

The last three weeks while I was away, I discovered some things, some truths that needed to come to light and they did with a vengeance and left me feeling pretty alone and worthless and ugly and sad. I am not Barbie, nor will I ever be. I used to joke that I am more the Skipper type - but when you find out that Barbie played with Ken and you were pregnant Skipper on the sidelines, you can't help but feel like you are ugly and worthless and unattractive.

But then I came home. I came back to what is mine - who I am , what I stand for, what I worked for. I came home to me and realized that I am a wonderful woman, I am beautiful and worthy and I gave myself a little room to shine again. I felt my smile and my bounce, I felt my worth and the power of who I am as a woman. I had a new start after difficult tests to take and I won't look back on leftovers and lies. Mind you I don't hate or hold a grudge. I let that all go on Easter Sunday. But I won't be putting myself back in the arena to which I never belonged. When you know better you certainly ought to do better.

So today I am doing better. I love who I am and I am happy. I have a beautiful

home, the promise of Spring, a job prospect and to top it all off -the most gorgeous son in the WORLD.  So take that BARBIE...and you can take KEN too while your at it.

I always liked Skipper better anyway...

xoxo,
Bug